Guided Through Grief

Sydney Morning Herald

Saturday May 10, 2008

Yvette Nielsen

Customised coffins and flying butterflies can add a special touch, writes Yvette Nielsen.

The death of a loved one is overwhelming enough without the added stress of having to deal with dozens of details about the funeral.

Phil Brooks, president of the Funeral Directors' Association of NSW, says there are many questions the family has to answer before getting into funeral details.

"There are a lot of decisions to make, apart from the family history information required to register with the Registry of Births, Deaths and Marriages," Brooks says.

"Quite often you'll sit with the family and say, 'Well, I need mum's maiden name,' and they'll say, 'Nana."'

Family members also need to know details such as place of marriage, age when married, children's names and dates of births.

Then there's the decision for burial or cremation. And the many other considerations, including: time and place, clergy or celebrant, newspaper notices, coffin or casket, flowers, music, eulogies, poetry and the wake.

Brooks, a former detective, is a funeral director in Tamworth. His son and daughter run a funeral home in Gunnedah.

He says more people are choosing to prearrange and prepay their funerals. This allows people to document the arrangements in a contract and pay at current prices. The payment is invested with an independently managed fund, trust or friendly society and only released to the funeral director after the funeral.

Brooks says many funeral directors prefer funeral bonds, which can cover any unexpected increases in costs. Funeral bonds allow people to invest up to $10,000 for a funeral.

The bond is invested with a funeral fund, which takes a management fee from the accumulated interest.

John Harris, executive chairman of WN Bull Funerals, Newtown, says one of the most common questions is about who to call first when someone dies.

If the death happens at home, a doctor must be called to certify the death. Then the funeral director can arrange to transfer the deceased to the funeral home.

Harris, who has been in the industry for 52 years, says the most important part of his role - apart from co-ordinating arrangements - is reassurance. "Reassure them that what they don't know, we will know," he says.

Trent Murphy, manager of Macarthur Lady Funerals, says customised cardboard coffins are becoming more popular, despite the cost being higher than a basic wooden coffin. The coffins can be personalised with words or designs, from favourite football team logos to the Australian flag.

Funeral services can be lavish or simple. A basic funeral costs anything from $5000 in country areas such as Tamworth to between $5500 and $10,000 in Sydney. A funeral with special extras can cost up to $20,000.

Macarthur Lady Funerals, an Australian-owned all-female firm, has a mid-range service from $5500 but special extras, such as doves, increase the cost.

Murphy says butterflies are popular. A specialist supplier posts the refrigerated insects in individual ice packs.

"The timing is critical - they have to be taken out of the ice pack about half an hour before releasing them," he says.

Murphy, who has been in the business for 10 years, says Macarthur Lady Funerals provides traditional services for males and females along with a specialist "all-ladies care service" for women.

"If mum was a real lady, then sometimes they really only want ladies to attend to mum. There's a big market for it."

In cases of suicide or sudden death, a funeral company will often call families two weeks after the funeral to see if they need counselling support.

"Some people are traumatised. If they say they need help, we can put them in touch with the right person," Murphy says.

She says the suicide rate in Sydney's south-west, especially among young men, is "quite high" and such deaths are very difficult for families to cope with.

"They ring and say, 'What am I going to do?' and you've got to take the burden off them and carry them for a week. It's got to be done right, especially with viewings."

The company uses formaldehyde, which includes a tint, to "temporary preserve" all bodies for a more natural appearance than make-up, particularly on men.

Murphy says another common concern is whether bodies are taken out of coffins and cremated along with other bodies.

"It's a fallacy - the only thing that comes off the coffin is the nameplate and everybody remains in their coffin and they all have a single chamber to themselves."

In time of need

GRIEF affects everybody differently but is invariably emotionally and physically exhausting. And the grieving process does not end with the funeral - it's often just the start.

According to the experts, friends and family can help the bereaved person just by being present and helping with meals, errands, phone calls, cleaning and other practical tasks.

Richard White, a former Jesuit priest who is a full-time bereavement counsellor with WN Bull Funerals, says one client told him that the most practical help to her was people leaving casseroles in the fridge.

"They're often the most obvious things ... Don't underestimate the impact of ordinary human kindness," White says.

Other practical tasks include notifying social security, banks, clubs, unions, life insurance, electoral office, public utilities, council, motor transport bodies and solicitors. A surviving partner may also need to make a new will and transfer the house title.

WN Bull's bereavement service was founded by Peter Harrington in 1989, making it the longest-running full-time service of its type in NSW. White took over as director in 2004.

The family-owned company, which is a member of the Australian Funeral Directors Association, gives free counselling to clients in their homes or at the Newtown office. White also takes the bereavement service to the wider community through individual counselling, presentations, talks and a quarterly magazine featuring grief-related articles.

He says people in Western society are often frightened by death, particularly in traumatic cases such as suicide or the death of a child.

"Often the confidence to go and say something can make all the difference."

White, who is also a funeral celebrant, has a graduate diploma in counselling and works for Relationships Australia. He says friends and family might be afraid they'll say something wrong but he urges them to just listen, resist giving advice or putting a time limit on grief.

© 2008 Sydney Morning Herald

Back to News Index | Back to Home